Imperfection

I was genuinely excited to begin this blog and found myself wondering what topic would naturally emerge for my first entry. To my surprise, I did not have to think long. The ideas came almost immediately. I realized that without the pressure of crafting something suitable for social media, my thoughts flowed freely and made me laugh. 

There was no expectation of perfection. Instead, I found myself reflecting on the imperfect moments of my life. With Valentine’s Day approaching, I imagined what my Facebook feed was probably starting to be flooded with. Images that came to mind were couples on epic, tropical dates, or fancy, expensive dinners. Then I looked around, and I giggled. Two days away from Valentine’s Day I saw my partner standing in the middle of moving boxes and pans on the floor scratching her head. She’s always grinning, she’s always happy, even when we are in the middle of a mess. I’m not one for messes, but this one inspired me. She inspires me. I decided in that moment we must celebrate one of the most commercial, artificial, silly holidays, our way. I got some cheesy heart garland, and when Caitlin was running an errand I set up her Valentine’s Day surprise. I took a step back, and I took this photo. 

I was so proud of this. I couldn’t wait to show her what I made of our mess. This is what I wanted to share with my closest people. This is what I wanted to blog about. How I taped this garland to this box when we were in the middle of chaos. 

As actors and creative people, Caitlin and I often find ourselves in the midst of transition. Be it with a job, or from a sudden twinge in the gut that comes from constantly evaluating our lives and well-being. Those twinges are like our compass sometimes. I trust Caitlin’s gut and she trusts mine. We have strong instincts. There is so much about us that allows us to flourish both together and individually, but as much as we may hesitate to admit what comes next, it remains true: there are aspects of life that can feel significantly more challenging with two women. Like moving. Or like camping. We both crave being with a guy in the middle of the woods. Or we grieve not being a guy for each other. We both feel like we will get abducted or murdered. We tried camping once just the two of us, and we never will again. 

But we learn. We break conventions. We can’t camp, but Caitlin starts a fire better than any man I know. We can’t lift heavy furniture just the two of us, but Caitlin has more endurance carrying a million boxes back and forth and up stairs, than any man I’ve met. She even has the energy to stay grinning while she does it. We get scared very easily but we both make the other braver. This world gets scary when we both look at it, especially if we have to climb a big mountain and we stand together at the bottom. Whatever the hurtle, or climb, we get through it, sweaty, and having to fight for our lives. We hire a high school lacrosse player to help us on moving day. We have amazing friends that let us buy them coffee in exchange for favors. Hell, I see us trying camping again WITH our friends. Yeah I can see it. We celebrate each other every chance we get. Life is messy, and we have our limitations as two lesbians navigating the world. But I think it’s because our hearts feel secure together, that our bodies and brains find a way. Our way! 

Love,

Alexandra, Al, or Alex (if you must)